Fear Controlled Me for Almost Three Decades
Here’s how I’m living differently at age thirty
Last week, I turned thirty years old. On the morning of my birthday, after reflecting on memories from each decade of my life, a profound sense of sorrow overwhelmed me. My life could be summed up in one word: Fear. I allowed it to hold me back from living my most authentic self.
Now, I don’t necessarily regret my life. Everything I’ve gone through has shaped me into who I am today. But I can’t help but wonder how differently things might have been had I lived courageously.
What will people think?
This was the number one question I asked myself before I did anything. Even when I wanted something for myself, the thought of displeasing and disappointing others, even strangers, stopped me from pursuing it. Needless to say, this was the very definition of mental enslavement, and I was a slave to the whims of people’s expectations.
One memory that has forever stuck with me is a perfect summation of my cowardly life. I was a freshman in college at the time and was part of the football team. After meeting up with my teammates for something I don’t quite remember, they invited me to play basketball. Basketball? I don’t play basketball. I’d never played basketball. Oh my God, I would be terrible in front of these people, and they would laugh at me. Yes, I was losing my mind thinking of the worst possible outcome. All because my teammates had asked me to play a simple game intended to be fun.
I wanted to play. I really did. I thought it would be a fun experience since I had never played basketball, except that one time in high school during PE class (and I thoroughly sucked at it). But I was so afraid of making a fool of myself in front of these people that I backed out. I told them I didn’t really feel like playing. I would just stand back and watch. When they realised they couldn’t convince me to join them, they moved on.
Back then, I was so afraid of losing people’s approval if I didn’t meet their standards. These days, I feel ashamed every time I remember what a coward I was. It was just one incident. But almost all my life had been that way. Unless I was certain I could do something well, I dared not try it out of fear I would make mistakes. The opposite was also true. When I was too good at something, I often downplayed my skill to avoid offending people. I was quick to make myself small, dimming my light so people wouldn’t think I was arrogant.
As a teenager, I was even afraid of becoming rich. What would people say? Would they assume I slept my way to the top just because I was a woman? Would they accuse me of doing money rituals (juju) with my family members? Would they say I was a drug dealer or doing other nefarious businesses? As irrational as this sounds, it wasn’t completely unfounded. I live in a society where people say all sorts of unhinged things when someone becomes successful. So, of course, I didn’t want that for myself because of what people would think. That kind of mindset made me oblivious to opportunities that would transform me into the person I truly wanted to be.
This was my life. A spineless wimp who refused to leave my comfort zone.
The art of living courageously
It was only at the age of twenty-seven that I finally snapped. I was tired of living life on other people’s terms. For the first time in my life, I decided to live courageously and unapologetically.
It was terrifying in the beginning. I felt like a fraud. Like I was doing something wrong. But in my soul, it was the freest I had ever been. It started with doing simple things like learning to say no to people and protecting my boundaries. Then I asked myself who I really wanted to be if I didn’t give a single fuck what people thought of me. To become that person, all I needed was one thing: Courage. The courage to be my authentic self, without caring if people liked it or not.
It’s been a long battle, but after three years, I’ve rebuilt my self-respect and courage to a point where I no longer care about gaining approval or validation from other people.
Sometimes, though, I still feel like I’m holding back. But I’m undeterred — it’s a process after all. Now that I’m thirty years old, I would like to be even more courageous than ever. I’m always glad I had a three-year head start, which makes things a lot easier. I feel less guilty now when I prioritise myself. But I know there’s still more room for improvement.
Life becomes richer the moment you choose to live without apology — when you stop worrying about what people think of you, and instead focus on your values. Previously, whenever I tried to get out of my comfort zone, my mind would spiral about what people would think. It didn’t matter if I failed or succeeded; I feared the judgment that would come.
These days, however, I simply say to myself:
“Who cares what people think? It’s my life. If they don’t like the way I live it, it’s their problem, not mine.”
As long as I don’t infringe on anyone’s fundamental human rights or destroy the environment, I am free to do whatever I want. If people judge me for that, that’s on them, not me.
When you realise that a lot of people’s judgment stems from their own insecurities, you’ll feel no need to perform for anyone. And once you muster even a tiny grain of courage, you’ll unlock the life you only thought was possible in your dreams.
The courage to be is the best gift you can ever give to yourself. As I cross the third decade of life, this is what I give to myself.
I will no longer stunt my potential for fear of offending insecure people. I will no longer follow society’s script of conformity to avoid judgment.
I’ll go for whatever I want without apology. And if people dislike me, then so be it. That’s more fulfilling than living on people’s terms and still being disliked anyway.